Placing the blame
by Synaps
Summary: Soi Fon trying to both deny and deal with the fact that Yoruichi has left. She realises that the only thing that can chase away the pain is a proper dose of anger.


Bleach © Tite Kubo

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**Placing the blame**

The room was dark. The shadows that crept over the floor took other shapes and an untrained eye would read enemies into every pit of darkness. The little light filtered through the wooden screens did little to help. The cool white of the crescent moon only served to make the shadows darker.

I was leaning against a screen, trying to steal the chill of the night air. I was unbearably hot, but unable to muster the strength to go outside. I was drained, if anything. A comfortable numbness was moving closer, only a few steps away. The feeling that I wasn't really a part of the world anymore had overtaken me. It had been a constant companion since Yoruichi-sama left. My cheeks were wet, however I refused to admit to the fact. To admit to it would mean that I had a reason to cry. It would mean that I really did believe that Yoruichi-sama wasn't coming back.

Yoruichi-sama often ran off, avoiding her duties together with that man. It didn't necessarily mean that she was gone for good.

Even as I told myself that, I knew it wasn't true. She'd broken him out of prison. If she tried to return she would be imprisoned.

Urahara Kisuke, it all came down to that man. I had never trusted him, but allowed him to be because Yoruichi-sama had told me to. If she'd just listened to me to begin with she wouldn't have ended up in this mess. I wouldn't have ended up in this mess. Yoruichi was a criminal now.

If she'd just taken me with her I wouldn't have minded that.

A little to my left was a cup of tea, now cold, that I'd made for myself. Somewhere I'd heard that it would help me relax. I didn't want to think about where I'd heard it. It reminded me of good days that would never come back.

Who was I kidding?_ Everything _reminded me of Yoruichi-sama. The blooming trees outside reminded me of how we'd trained until late at night one spring and she'd fallen asleep next to me. The explosions drops of the water feature splashing onto the ground when the koi moved reminded me of how her voice would boom when attempting to embarrass me by speaking of private matters too openly.

Beside the tea was a sleep-inducing drug. I'd opted against it, but the thought of it _was_ alluring. Captain Unohana had given me it after deciding that I had a fever and needed my rest to be rid of it. She knew I wouldn't be able to sleep naturally for a while. The thought of my personal anguish being on public display made me cringe. I shifted to a position where my legs were folded up in front of me.

They had offered me Yoruichi-sama's position, if I wanted it. I wasn't sure that I did. To take it would be to admit that she wouldn't come back. I wasn't ready for that.

Furthermore, becoming Captain of the second squad meant appointing a Vice-Captain, the logical part of my brain noted. There wasn't anyone I knew that would be useful to me in such a position.

I pushed that idea away, since I wasn't planning on taking the job. Even though I couldn't imagine working under another Captain than Yoruichi-sama.

I sighed loudly. If Yoruichi-sama had just stayed… If she had listened to me about Urahara Kisuke… So many "ifs". So many opportunities that she could have put things straight. Almost like she had been spiralling towards the present on her own accord.

My logical side had awoken, and would not be put down. It reminded me of the fact that Yoruichi-sama didn't like to be controlled, if she had ended up in trouble it had been her own doing. Even as I tried not to think about it, I knew it was the truth. As much as I wanted to pin it down on him, she had a mind of her own.

I looked out the window again. The lack of light made the world appear black-and-white. Which I should have known it wasn't. I had trouble letting go of that world-view, it was a natural state to me.

I felt myself getting worked up, moving beyond the self-imposed numbness. A fire lit inside me, using my thoughts as fuel. I understood that deep down I was very angry. The power behind it almost scared me.

'_If you need to blame someone, find out who it really is that's behind the problem.'_ Yoruichi-sama had once said to me.

The wind carried some flowers it had mercilessly ripped from the trees. One landed on my floor, an object of terrible beauty.

"It's all her fault. She should have listened to me."

I turned in a swift movement, jerking out my arm and knocking my cup to the floor. Tea covered the tatami mats, making their colour slightly darker. The tea touched the white flower, seeped through the pedals and turning it into a gray mass without shape.

"It's all Yoruichi's fault."


End file.
